For this Monday, I've decided to take a quick break from boys and talk to you about something else that's been plaguing my mind as of late. This is a very sensitive topic, so if you find something upsetting or anything, please stop reading.
The topic, well, it's about dying.
I'm not depressed. I'm not sad. I'm a little bit lonely (but that's because I want an in-person friend and I don't have that yet). I don't feel like that kind of dying. Instead, I feel like I'm actually dying.
It started, I believe, when we moved (August 2nd), though I didn't realize the feeling at first. It felt like someone had strapped a timer onto my heart. The ticking was soft in the beginning, and only right now is it a a little bit louder, but the fact that it has been growing louder is what's concerning me.
I really do feel like my time is running out.
I try not to dwell on the thought or the feeling a lot, but whenever I think about my future, sometimes past the age of 36, but mostly past the age of 25, I can't see anything. I like to dream about my future, every possible notion of it, even if it doesn't come to fruition. About my wedding, my kids, about me becoming a professor at Keio University, etc. However, I just can't dream or imagine anything past those ages.
Then, in my head, I hear that a 50-year anniversary for my future university is occurring and that's it.
In my dream, I'm not there.
I'm not even sure what to say anymore.
I've been trying to tell other people about it, but they keep assuming that I'm in this awful state in my life where I can't figure things out and that I haven't fully developed myself, so I can't understand.
So please, let me reiterate.
I am NOT depressed.
I am NOT sad.
I am NOT feeling worthless.
I am NOT distraught.
I am NOT alone.
Rather, I feel quite amazing. I am working on improving myself, I am creating better relationships with the people at my church, I am reading and writing about what I love, I am exercising and building my self confidence, and I am cherishing the time that I spend with my family.
Yet I feel, truly feel, like I am dying.
It's not painful.
It's not lonely.
It's a bit sad though. I mean, you have this feeling that you carry around with you every day, where you feel almost certain that your going to die. As a 17 year old, that's absolutely devastating.
What about my dreams?
Well, I'll have to work on them harder and faster.
What about your family?
Comfort them? I mean, what else can I do? After all, none of us know the future.
Yes, it is true that I don't know the future. I don't know if I'm actually going to die nor do I know if anything is going to happen. But that doesn't excuse what I've been feeling.
I know that if I try to bring up this subject with anyone, they'll latch onto the 'future' aspect of everything and try to void out everything else.
Sure, yeah, I get that. Be optimistic.
But you're not the one who feels like a ticking time bomb.
You're not the one who feels like, in a matter of years, that your body will transform completely into a black hole and there will be nothing left of you.
You're not the one who feels like their going to explode because something inside them, this tangible thing of silence, is slowly, ever so slowly, growing.
So, in short, I am absolutely terrified.
Because I feel like I'm dying.
Until Next Time... Adieu
Who We Are
We are twin sisters who like to do almost anything! Inspiring people to get out their creativity is our forte and we strive to travel on magnificent journey through words on a page. Exploration is the doorway to opportunity and the endless possibilities of helping and reaching out to others is something that we endeavor to create. This crazy blog of ours is one of the many ways we hope to achieve that goal.